Ranma: Everybody Dies
by authority02
Summary: I, a humor writer, am writing a grimdark story. Possibly even more grimdark than A Series Of Unfortunate Events. In fact, the word grimdark is included in this summary five times - that's how ridiculously grimdark it is. Are you ready?  No pairing, duh.
1. Chapter 1

It was a windy, but not quite stormy, night. Genma would be taking Ranma on his fateful training trip that night. He had prepared his backpack the previous night, and hidden it where his wife would never find it. He had got up silently when she was fast asleep. He had managed to lead a sleepy Ranma almost out the door when he got caught.

"Huh?" murmured Nodoka, her hair in a tangled bushy mess about her head. As she saw the two of them carrying hiking backpacks, sneaking out the door, she immediately became alert. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Nodoka? I'm taking Ranma," declared Genma, pushing the aforementioned woman away with one hand as he led the frightened boy along with the other.

"No! You can't take Ranma!" screamed Nodoka, flailing at him.

"Yes, I can. Look, I'm -" interjected Genma, just as Nodoka tackled him. Despite Genma being a martial artist, his code of conduct forbade him from hitting his wife. Thus, Nodoka subdued him easily and tied him to a chair with some uncomfortably rough rope.

"We'll talk about this in the morning," Nodoka told him, turning to go back into her bedroom. "You'll stay there until -"

Genma's eyes widened in horror. Time slowed to a crawl. His vision narrowed until all he could see was the baby rattle on the floor where Nodoka's foot was about to descend.

"-woooaARGH!"

Genma would always remember this as the last thing she ever said.

Nodoka tripped and fell, still in slow motion. The back of her head met the seat of the very chair Genma was tied to with a heavy crack, and her body spasmed just once before falling still. Her empty eyes gazed up at him, her face stuck forever in a grimace of surprise. Little Ranma stared in horror.

"NOOOOOOOO!" screamed Genma, as a pool of blood started to form. He struggled against the ropes, but to no avail. "Boy! Call an ambulance!"

Even as Ranma scrambled over and started dialing the telephone, he knew it would be too late.

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><p>Ranma 0.5: Everybody Dies<p>

By Authority02

* * *

><p>Genma requested special dispensation to see his wife being cremated. As he stood on the service balcony, the roaring blaze far below him, he shouted, "I'll quit drinking, like you always wanted me to!"<p>

The flames roared on, unchanging, merciless.

"I'll lose weight!"

Genma stared into the crematorium fire, until his eyes burned and tears involuntarily crept down his cheeks.

"I'll bring Ranma up to be a real man!" he shouted with great fervour, "Just like you said you wanted last Friday!"

"Excuse me, sir," said an employee, entering the balcony, "We're sorry you missed her cremation, but here are your wife's ashes."

Genma turned and took the vase from him. He held the vase in front of him at arm's length.

"I swear this on my honour!" he shouted to the vase, and left.

The next day, the employee suffered an accident, and died.


	2. Chapter 2

Ranma straightened up from the bow, watching his opponent, the master of the dojo, warily. They circled around each other, both waiting for an opening. Nearby, a single leaf, estranged from its parent tree, drifted lazily down.

A full three seconds after it touched the wooden floor, the master feinted a punch to hide an elbow strike from his other hand. Ranma saw through the feint, moved to dodge - and was hit by the kick concealed by the double feint. He spun in place, temporarily stunned, and the master moved in to execute a 17-hit combo followed by a knockout blow to the back of the head.

Genma leaned against a wall, watching the match and frowning. This was disgraceful - not being able to defeat a dojo master! When Genma was ten, he'd had at least five dojo victories under his belt - or was it four? More than one, in any case, he was quite sure. The boy was still not powerful enough. At this rate, he wouldn't be able to fulfil his vow. He had no choice - he had to teach the boy the basics of Anything-Goes.

He sighed, and carried Ranma out.

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><p>Ranma 0.5: Everyone Dies<br>By Authority02

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><p>"Ranma, what do you know about ki?" Genma asked. He knew what Ranma knew, since he'd been Ranma's only sensei on the subject, but he had to start his lecture somewhere.<p>

Ranma, sitting cross-legged on the grass, recited, "Ki is stuff that makes us live-"

"Life energy, boy!" Genma corrected, rapping him on the forehead.

"Ow! ...life energy, you can knock out people by cutting off their ki with pressure points."

Genma nodded. "Today, we'll be learning about the ways you can use ki to become stronger. By pumping ki into your body, you can make yourself stronger and tougher. Sometimes, people do this by accident when they are put under huge stress - but using ki has a price."

He pulled out a whiteboard and started drawing on it with a marker. "The life energy has to come from somewhere - usually the rest of your body. By making part of yourself stronger, you weaken yourself in other ways - less ki flowing through your brain, for instance, will make you act irrational and obsessive."

Ranma was already dozing off. Genma rapped him on the forehead again.

"But our family style, Anything Goes, is more powerful than that." he continued. "We draw energy from our core itself."

"Wow!" Ranma pretended enthusiasm.

"By pulling energy from unimportant areas like the liver, kidneys and bone marrow, we boost ourselves with far more energy, at absolutely no cost." Genma lectured, adjusting his cap to cover his baldness better.

Ranma frowned cutely, puzzled. "The liver? Isn't that-"

Genma cut him off. "We'll be starting on this today. Get up and come over here."

"But-"

"Hurry up, boy!"


End file.
